Why I Even Bothered Testing This
Okay look, I got super bored last weekend. Real life stuff was dragging, right? So I figured, hey, why not fire up a bunch of these big fancy “open world” games people keep yelling about? Specifically, the ones folks swear let you smooch basically anyone who walks. Seemed like a good way to waste time and maybe get a laugh.
My “Super Scientific” Testing Method
First, I had to pick my victims. I dusted off my old consoles and booted up Steam. Went digging through my library for anything labeled “RPG” or “Open World” that I hadn’t finished (so, like, most of them). Ended up with this pile:
- Dragon Age: Inquisition (Yeah, old but gold supposedly)
- The Witcher 3 (Gotta try Geralt’s charms)
- Cyberpunk 2077 (After the fixes, obviously)
- Stardew Valley (Deceptively cute)
- Mass Effect: Andromeda (Heard it was messy, perfect)
- Skyrim (Modded to heck, naturally)
My goal? Simple. See if I could actually charm multiple digital people at once without the game completely freaking out. Could I make pixel hearts flutter without causing a total meltdown?
What Went Down (The Absolute Mess)
Started with Cyberpunk 2077. Judy seemed cool. River? Kinda dorky. Tried chatting up both. Finished Judy’s whole romance line. Sweet apartment scene. Thought “Alright, nailed it.” Went to find River. Suddenly, dude gives me the cold shoulder like I kicked his dog. Dialogue options gone! Zero chance. Game basically went “NOPE”. Felt like I needed a polyamory mod just to talk to him. Womp womp.
Hopped over to Dragon Age: Inquisition. Heard this one was better? Got flirtin’ with Blackwall and Iron Bull. Nice chats, little winks. Got Bull to take me back to his room. Awesome! Felt like a champion. Then… Blackwall vanished. Like, physically gone from Skyhold. Found him eventually but dude had a giant red dialogue marker saying “LOCKED OUT FOREVER” basically. Broke my little pixel heart. Iron Bull still smiled though. Silver lining?
The Witcher 3 was a whole different train wreck. Went for Triss and Yennefer. Cause, you know, Geralt loves trouble. Finished both storylines. Felt pretty slick. Then… They ambushed me. In a literal tiny house! Both popped up at once. Yennefer all icy stares, Triss looking betrayed. Geralt stood there like a dope. They ripped into him, called him names, and… quest failed. Both romances completely tanked. Got nothing but a lousy achievement for being an idiot. Hilariously brutal, gotta give ’em that.
The Surprisingly Good Ones
Okay, not all disasters. Stardew Valley surprised me. Started dating Leah and Abigail. Gave ’em flowers, danced with both. Full hearts. Nothing broke! Not even a sad dialogue line. Just… happily co-existing pixel ladies enjoying my parsnips. Kinda weirdly wholesome for this experiment. Even got the bouquet for both with zero fuss. No jealousy, just vibes.
My modded-out-the-arse Skyrim? Well yeah, with mods anything goes. Installed one called “Flirt With Everyone Plus Dragons Probably”. Successfully wooed Ysolda and Aela the Huntress. Plus Serana cause why not? Zero consequences. Lydia still carried my junk, didn’t care who I smooched. Pure chaos, but technically functional chaos if you mod hard enough.
So… What Actually Works?
Based on me falling face-first into these virtual dating pools?
- Stardew Valley: Weirdly chill about poly farming love. No fuss, just vibes and cauliflower.
- Modded Skyrim: Throw enough mods at it and it becomes a digital love circus with no rules.
- Mass Effect: Andromeda wasn’t as bad as I feared! Peebee and Cora could happen without immediate disaster? Needed careful flirting timing, but it kindaaa stuck? (Still mostly messy).
The big serious ones? Witcher and Cyberpunk? Nah. They wanna make you choose. Hurt feelings. Locked dialogue. Brutal cutscenes. Even Dragon Age felt awkward about it.
Final Thought? It’s Mostly Pixelated Pain
Honestly? Trying to date multiple people in these big worlds was way more hassle than fun. Mostly awkward silences, locked quests, and angry digital people yelling at me. Feels like the tech just isn’t built for messy fake love lives. Stardew got it right cause it doesn’t care. Skyrim only works if you mod it into nonsense. The others? They’ll break your little virtual heart if you try to spread it around. Not worth the headache most of the time. Stick to one pixel crush at a time, unless you crave pain and reloading saves.